Original Release: Pornholio, 2000(?), Flash
A short and barely interactive Star Wars porn parody, but a real trip down memory lane if you remember the wild Newgrounds days of the millennium
The Phantom Penis (Flash, Pornholio, 2000(?))
Where to Buy: Free download (swfchan): Part 1 Part 2
How to Emulate: Flash Emulation Guide
Review by: Master-B
Coming to us from the absurd and wild Flash days of yore, The Phantom Penis is another one of these entries that barely qualifies as a “game” but gets the nod anyway for being funny and capturing a unique cultural moment online that is now long gone.
The name tells you exactly what to expect, it’s basically a Star Wars porn parody done by a couple of kids in Flash (albeit referring to the original trilogy rather than the early 00s prequels, I guess the name was adopted because those were still dropping when this game was made). Some perpetually nude space princess named Charlie (?) takes on the machinations of Dark Helmut (really Bill Gates in disguise) and the Breast Star … though ultimately she just sluts around with a bunch of aliens and solves the problem by bringing Helmut some Viagra and bitches.
It’s pretty short and there are no fail states, but there are a bunch of scenes where you can only choose one option and will have to replay to see the others … also a handful with hidden areas to click on.
The art, and overall polish and presentation, are actually not bad for no-budget Flash work by some randos. The game is hardly “erotic” in any way though, there are simplistic interactive sex scenes galore but they are basically just button-mashing until the full animation plays out. The only reason to play it is just for the absurdity, which is so over-the-top hornt that it wraps back around into being funny. The best running bit is Hand Solo and sidekick Spewie. Hand is some random perv Indian for who knows what reason and apparently its canon that Wookies are premature ejaculators (must have been in one of the books). Probably the only reason I haven’t forgotten about this game after almost 20 years is Hand yelling “NO SPEWIE THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO IT … INTO DE ASS!!” sounding like Apu from the Simpsons.
Anyway, I don’t know if anyone would actually get anything out of this now. It’s one of those things you’d stumble across in the late 90s/early 00s on a Flash portal and laugh at how random it was (like Sloth TV). It’s just here to commemorate the good old days, when this was what the internet was and nobody batted an eye or thought twice about it.
I forget where this was uploaded originally in the early 00s, but it was apparently on Newgrounds for a few years (though it lists a 2006 upload date but I know it was around long before that, more like very early 00s). Either way, it’s long dead on all online portals now. SWFchan has preserved it, but it’s in two parts for some reason.
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